why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
