i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
