Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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