you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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