I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
