i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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