New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
