Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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