I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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