drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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