But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
