thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
