Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
