I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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