I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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