Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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