I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
