I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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