Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
