All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I supernannyed him into submission
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize