Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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