I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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