If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
