drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
