Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I am naked and annoyed.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
