Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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