You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
