Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
