at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
