Joe is yelling at the trees again.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
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