I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
