Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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