You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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