dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
