My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
