My liver just broke up with me...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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