her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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