so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
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Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
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Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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