I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
