I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You ruined the universe
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
