Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
