no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
