i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
