So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
