Your tits are I can't wait for
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
