my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
