I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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