She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
