Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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