At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
