I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
