I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
